


Anxious to Touch

by NikaylaSarae



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Fighting, Kissing, Negative Self Talk, Panic Attack, Slapping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:28:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25737307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NikaylaSarae/pseuds/NikaylaSarae
Summary: Virgil can’t be around the others without hurting them, so he has to stay away. Only Deceit won’t let him do that.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 112





	Anxious to Touch

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired from a Tumblr ask: _Hey... imagine when Virgil is kissed it drains the anxiety from him, but pushes it into the other? He doesn't realize until after a long kiss, and he's relaxed but his partner is so anxious they have his signature bags under his eyes. He closes off after that, refusing to even touch the others- he couldn't do that to them. He eventually ends up becoming so anxious that he has a massive panic attack, nearly sobbing because they are touching him bit they CAN'T HE'LL HURT THEM STOP TOUCHING ME-_
> 
> Cross-posted with minor edits from my Tumblr account @stillebesat.

He’d ended up back in the recesses of Thomas’s mind, curling up in the darkest corner that Virgil could find, gasping for breath as the walls around him loomed, getting closer and closer to his huddled form. 

**_Thomas was going to ruin everything! He couldn’t just UPROOT himself and MOVE and vanish from his friends! What if they forgot him? What if they moved on? What if Thomas ended up as a lonely old hermit who scared small children by yelling out the window at them whentheyplayedtooloudlyoutsideandthenThomaswouldbearrestedandputinjailand--_ **

Virgil whimpered, pulling his hood over his eyes. 

_ Relax. Relax. Breathe. Cognitive distortions.  _

But how could he relax? His breaths came quick and shallow as he pressed himself further into the corner, trying to merge into the peeling paint. 

The only way he’d truly been able to relax and push his worries away had been when he’d been with the others, curled up in their arms, their sunny comfort lighting his darkened mind. 

And then...when he’d finally---when he’d kissed---and the warmth had flowed through him, washing his worries away quicker than any hug ever had. 

The others had been able to pull him out of these dark spirals before with soft touches and kind words. But with those kisses? He’d never felt more lov--

_ Black eyeshadow. Pale skin. Trembling lips. “Vir--Virgil.” Roman whispered, staring at him with wide fear filled eyes. _

Virgil flinched, wrapping his arms over his head. 

No! No.

He couldn’t go to them. Not like this! To Patton, Logan, or…or Roman. If he touched them when he was spiraling like this they would get hurt! 

**You always screw things up. You always hurt everyone. Why can’t you just stop--**

_ “I feel...I-I feel… Vir--Virgil.” A whimper.  _

Roman didn’t whimper. The sound burned in his ears, echoing like a broken record.

_ “It hurts.”  _

Virgil shuddered. He was a danger to them. He had to stay away. 

But it severely  _ severely  _ sucked. These past couple weeks with no physical contact.

He’d grown used to those little touches from the others after they’d accepted him. Grown used to Roman dramatically falling into his lap before a movie night and refusing to move. To Patton giving him hugs every morning, evening, and just whenever the Fatherly side felt Virgil needed one. To Logan with grabbing his hands and wrapping an arm around his shoulders when he got into his excited teacher mode. 

He ached for the contact. Craved their heat. Craved the electric feeling that buzzed through him, especially when he pressed his lips against--

**_NO._ **

Kissing was the worst of it. Kissing may have helped  _ Virgil _ while he was reeling, but it had hurt  _ Roman _ . And he’d stupidly not realized it until, until---

_ That kiss. _

_ That wonderful, glorious, heart warmingly  _ **_EVIL KISS BECAUSE HE’D HURT ROMAN!!!!_ **

**Some Protector you are if you hurt those you love.**

Virgil squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the shadows deepening around him, his anxiety spiking even higher. 

_ Get a grip get a grip get a grip! Thomas was fine...Thomas was fi--...the others weregoingto _ **_AHHHHH!!!!--_ **

WHACK **.**

Fire flashed across his cheek, knocking his head against the wall. Virgil shot to his feet, desperately trying to clear the stars from his vision so he could face the threat that confronted him.

**DOOMED DOOOMED DOOOOOMMMMEEEEDDD.**

Cool fingers brushed his neck as they grabbed his hoodie, pulling him off balance. “Get a grip, Annie.” A voice hissed in his ear as an icy scaled cheek pressed against Virgil’s burning one. “As much as I  _ love  _ listening to you  _ think so rationally  _ I would  _ hate  _ to have the others  _ think  _ you’re still  _ in  _ the mindscape  _ not worrying about you  _ and making my job so much  _ easier _ .” 

Virgil stiffened.  **_“Deceit.”_ ** **What was he doing here he was in danger--** He kicked out, catching the snake in the stomach, forcing him back.  **“GET AWAY!** ” He yelled, turning to run. No one could touch him He was a danger _ evenDeceitwasntsafefromhimandthedarksidewasthe _ **_rehewasgoingto--_ **

“No.” Deceit tackled him, arms wrapping around his waist before Virgil could take more than two steps, sending them both to the ground with a muted thud. 

Virgil dug his fingers into the damp surface of the subconscious, bucking to get him off, but Deceit clung to him like a koala, refusing to let go.

**“GET OFF!!** ” He screamed, twisting underneath Deceit, tearing at his silk shirt and cape to force the Dark Side away. 

**DeceitwouldgethurtandThomaswouldgethurtbecauseAnxietycouldonlyhurtandnothelpanyoneeverhejust--** frozen hands pressed against his cheeks, a knee digging into Virgil’s stomach as Deceit leaned in so their noses touched. “I’m going to say this  _ multiple times. _ ” The dark side hissed, his hat sitting skewed on his head as he glared at Virgil. “You. Are. An. Id-i-ot.” 

Virgil stiffened, eyes darting to look anywhere but at the snake, his heart pounding so hard he was sure it would burst from his chest.  **“St-stop. Le-Le-LET GO! I--I---”**

Deceit tsked pulling one hand away to grab the air, forcing Virgil’s own hand to his mouth. “ _ Yes.”  _ He hissed, keeping his other hand, the one with a spattering of scales on it, firmly against Virgil’s cheek. “You  _ are  _ a danger to  _ everyone  _ while you’re like this.  _ Staying away  _ definitely  _ helps  _ it  _ not  _ get better _. _ ” 

**NO!** Virgil drummed his heels against the floor.  **He was a danger! He was--** Virgil writhed, spitting muffled insults at the dark side as Deceit’s mismatched eyes took on a bright yellow glow. 

Virgil arched his back, insults turning into a whine as his cheek under the snake’s hand writhed like worms were crawling under his skin and into his right eye, giving everything a soft golden glow. 

The Dark Side smirked, the darkness around them swirling like a kaleidoscope as he gently rubbed Virgil’s cheek with a cool thumb. “Don’t I look  _ just like a raccoon? _ ” He crooned, the lies in his words sending golden sparks floating into the air around them as he gestured to the pale skin under his eyes. “And I  _ haven’t  _ been touching you this entire time. I’m  _ definitely  _ in danger.” 

Tears stung in the corner of Virgil’s eyes as he glared at the snake. Of course he was in danger! He was touching him!  **He was touching him! That wasn’t good what if--**

“But.” The golden glow faded from Deceits eyes. “If I do this?” He lowered his other hand running his fingers through Virgil’s hair before they trailed down to his cheek, the cool palm pressing firmly against his skin.

Virgil’s cheek burned under his hand as the tightness in his chest abruptly vanished like it had never been. His hand fell away from his mouth as grey shadows appeared under Deceit’s eyes. 

He inhaled sharply, fingers digging again into the subconscious. No no no! Virgil was doing it  _ again.  _ He couldn’t let--“STOP!” 

Deceit tsked, keeping his hands firmly on Virgil’s cheeks, though the warmth faded. “Breathe, Annie.” He said, his eyes taking on their yellow glow. “I know what I’m doing.” 

“ _ NO. YOU. Don’--”  _ Virgil cut off, wincing as his right eye twinged showing golden sparks appearing from his lips. “What the hel--” He breathed. 

“Language, Annie, you wouldn’t want your Padre getting upset now would you?”

Virgil growled, tossing his head. “What are you  _ not  _ doing to me?!” 

Deceit raised an eyebrow, keeping his hands firmly on him. “Showing you you’re an idiot.” 

“I’m  _ trying  _ to keep everyone  _ safe! _ He hissed, ignoring the golden sparks coming from his lips.

“And I’m showing you how you can.”

“By  _ hurting  _ yourself?!  _ I’m a danger to everyone you can’t-- _ ” 

Deceit rolled his eyes as the glow within them faded at the same time that his right hand grew too warm on Virgil’s cheek again. The darkness under his eyes grew darker at the same time Virgil felt tension melting away from his shoulders. Just like when Patton gave him a hug.

“I’m showing you Mutualism.” Deceit said, softly. “Give and Take. You don’t want to be a Parasite to the others by forcing all your...negativity into them, but you can’t hold it all yourself without spiraling. I’m showing you how to even things out to make it mutually beneficial for you and another.” 

Beneficial? “You feeling Anxious  _ isn’t  _ beneficial to  _ either  _ of us, Dee!” He growled. “ _ You’re getting hurt-- _ ”

“In case you hadn’t noticed numbskull, I’m not the one currently speaking in lies. You are. That’s beneficial as it allows me to speak more clearly to get this information through your thick skull.” Deceit retorted, leaning in. “I’m fine. A little paranoia is fine for me to handle so long as it’s Give and Take.” He met Virgil’s eyes once more as his shimmered, the grey under his eyes growing fainter. “If it’s a mutual exchange, we’ll both be fine. You’re less Anxious, I’m more Truthful. It’s Beneficial. But--” 

Virgil’s cheek burned as the shadows under Deciet’s eyes went pitch black, his breath hitching as his hand trembled on his cheek. “ **If--if one of us takes-takes--”** Deceit drew in a deep breath, closing his eyes. 

_ “Vi-Virgil?” A whimper. “It hurts.”  _

Virgil stiffened, fighting against the warmth spreading through his body. No no no NO! He couldn’t let---His hands shot up, palms pressing against Deceit’s cool scales as he instinctively  _ pulled.  _ “ **Don’t.** ” He growled as Deceit’s eyes opened a crack, surprise flickering across his face as the scales under Virgil’s hand warmed.  **“Don’t. Take.”** This was  _ his burden  _ to bear.  _ His problem.  _ Virgil needed to do this  _ alone.  _

Deceit blinked, before offering a tight smile, his cool thumb stroking Virgil’s cheek. “ **Give an** d take, An **nie.** ” He said, keeping his voice low as the shadows under his eyes faded back to grey.  **“Yo** u ne **ed t** o give  **and ta** ke.” Ice flowed up one arm while warmth flowed down his other as Virgil’s spiraling thoughts slowed. “ **Breat** he. You **’re no help to Th** omas if  **you suf** fer a **lone.** Give an **d take.”** Deceit said, keeping his tone soothing even as it faded in and out of the tempest tongue. 

**“But--th** e others!” Virgil ground out, his fingers twitching against Deceit’s scales.

“Will b **e** **affe** cte **d, yes.** But las **t I ch** ecked, they wa **nt to** help you. **Th** ey’re worried, Annie. They **care.”**

Virgil closed his eyes, seeing the truth in Deceit’s words by the lack of golden sparks coming from his lips. A shudder ran through him as he drew in a deeper breath. “I can’t hurt them.” He whispered. “I can’t.” 

Deceit’s weight shifted on him. “You won’t.” He said icy palms pressing against his cheeks. “So long as you Give AND Take. They can help you and you won’t hurt them. A little pain is nothing they can’t handle.”

_ Black eyeshadow. Pale skin. Trembling lips. _

Virgil tensed, his breath hitching as he pulled his hands abruptly away, clenching them into fists. “I’ll hurt them!” 

Deceit’s fingers trailed up his cheeks, the cool touch growing warmer as they covered his eyes just as Virgil tried to open them. “So practice with me.” Deceit said simply, sliding off him, though Virgil could feel him kneeling next to his arm as he kept Virgil’s eyes covered. “Give and Take, Annie. You know you’re better off with them, than alone.”

Virgil shook his head, failing to dislodge the hands from his eyes. No! “I’m not--”

“Do you hear any lies in my words?” Deceit snapped. “Trust me in this! You NEED them Virgil. You KNOW you do. PRACTICE and you won’t hurt them. You can have a Symbiotic relationship where you BOTH help each other instead of the Parasitic one you’ve been giving the others so far.”

Virgil flinched. He hadn’t known that was what he was doing! He didn’t mean--

“You WANT to keep them safe? LEARN to do this and you WILL. Practice WITH me and you can RETURN to them AND keep them SAFE.” 

**You can’t protect them otherwise.**

Virgil drew in a shaky breath. It made far too much sense. And--and if he could go back---be with the others? Be hugged again? Ki--kissed again? It was true he craved it. Needed it. “Fine.” He forced one hand to relax as he lifted it up. “But I---I’m not...not going back...until I---” He swallowed. “I can do this.” 

One warm hand left his eyes, grabbing Virgil’s in a gentle grip as Deceit guided it back to his right cheek, holding his hand there away from the scaled side. “Then Focus.” Was Deceit’s soft command. “Give and Take, Annie. Feel the flow between us. How I draw the Anxiety from you, how you draw the _ Lies _ from me. Give and take. A symbiotic relationship.” 

It was easier, Virgil had to admit, now that Deceit’s cool hands had warmed up to listen to the Dark Side coaching him through the giving and taking thing. He didn’t like that his eyes remained covered, but it was easier to focus when he wasn’t staring up at Deceit’s scaled face. Wasn’t seeing the Dark Side. 

A small smile grew on Virgil’s face as the flow between them grew more natural, warmer now that Deceit’s own flow wasn’t freezing him as they...exchanged...needs, balancing each other out. 

But he doubted he could keep his eyes closed everytime this...sort of thing needed to happen. He had to be able to see, check in and make sure that Dee--that if--when he did this to the others he wasn’t going overboard. 

His heart swelling with confidence, he lifted a hand to take the smooth one covering his eyes. “Give and Take.” He whispered.

The hand tensed, resisting his attempt to pull it away from his eyes. “Not yet, Annie.” Deceit cautioned. 

He frowned. “I got it--you don’t--” 

Warm air brushed over his lips as Deceit leaned in. “You kissed, Roman.” He whispered. 

Virgil tensed, the air freezing in his lungs. 

“Don’t bother to lie--I know you did.” 

“So--so?” He demanded, hating how his voice shook.

Deceit huffed a small laugh. “Do you want to do that again? Be so...intimate?” 

_ “Vi-Virgil?” A whimper. “It hurts.”  _

“I--I don’t think he would want to.” Virgil said, pulling his hands from Deceit’s warm ones and clenched them as his heart twisted painfully in his chest. “I...I hurt him. He wouldn’t--”

“If he did?”

Virgil swallowed.  _ Impossible.  _

“Do you think you could control sending your Anxiety into him?”

“I-I’m not kissing you to pra--practice th-that, Dee.” He said, hating how his voice shook. “E-even if he--he stil--still want--”

The hand pulled back and Virgil forgot to breathe, his eyes going wide as Roman stared down at him a soft smile on his lips as he took Virgil’s hand, pressing a tender kiss against his knuckles, warm eyes never leaving his. 

“ _ Roman? _ ” Virgil whispered, breath catching in his throat as he pushed up on one elbow, catching a glimpse of Deceit kneeling nearby, his hands hidden underneath his cape, a small satisfied smirk on his lips. It wasn’t--how had!! When had?! 

_ The warmth.  _ Virgil shakily inhaled, looking back to Roman. He should have realized when the icy snake had become warm to the touch. 

Roman stroked Virgil’s cheek with his other hand, his fingers sending a small surge of confidence into his chest. “If you would have me, Virge.” He whispered leaning in, the faintest of shadows under his eyes. “I definitely still want to kiss you.” 

_ Kiss.  _ The word sent a shiver down Virgil’s spine, his heart fluttering. Princey--he--he still wanted--even after?? 

“Gross.” Deceit drawled, making a face as he shoved to his feet. “ _ Totally kiss  _ while I’m still here. I  _ don’t  _ mind at all.” 

“No one asked you to stay, Miss Lie-gon.” Roman retorted, glancing up. “Is...there a reason for you to stay?” He asked, an uncertain lilt to his tone. 

“No.” Virgil said, pulling himself closer to Roman, relaxing as Princey wrapped an arm around him, holding him close. No, Deceit wasn’t needed here. Not when--not when Virgil had apparently been exchanging needs with Princey for the last little while and Roman still--still wanted--and hadn’t mind--minded the--the--Anxiety. 

_ Give and Take.  _

_ Mutualism.  _

Deceit rolled his eyes before he shook his head. “ _ Yes.  _ You both  _ don’t  _ have the basics down. I’m  _ sure  _ it will all  _ end in a disaster  _ to leave you two alone now _.”  _ He tilted his hat down over his eyes, giving them the slightest of nods before he vanished. 

Roman exhaled, resting his cheek against Virgil’s, arms tightening around him. “I’m sorry for not revealing myself sooner--” He whispered. “Deceit forced me to keep quiet while we practiced together...to--to keep the illusion that it was still him you were working with so you wouldn’t--.” 

Virgil shifted, basking in the warmth surrounding him before he carefully allowed some of his anxiety to flow back into Roman. “Freak out?” 

“Yes.” 

It made sense. Unfortunately. If Virgil had seen him earlier...he would have done just that. But Princey-- He let out a breath. “You really don’t mind doing this?” He asked softly, gesturing between them. “The--giving?” 

Roman shook his head without hesitation. “To help you?” He held him close, lightly brushing Virgil’s lips with his own. “Never would I mind, my Stormy Knight.”


End file.
